I was hoping that being with Rohan would help me to accept someone else’s touch on me, to bridge that acceptance that Mike and I are over…and it did. To a degree. I adore Rohan. The adoration has tempered now…finally! And I am no longer completely head over heels for him. I still think he’s incredible and I couldn’t tear my eyes away from him. He has this irritating habit of getting better looking each and every time I see him.
I love how close I feel to him, although he is right and we don’t actually know each other well, but I am very comfortable with him and completely myself. No artifice. And I do trust him. But it’s like the intensity is gone and there’s an unspoken mutual understanding that there’s a disconnect now. Or at least on my part as he was never connected!
But maybe Mike and Rohan represent two parts of me that I haven’t quite learnt how to merge yet. Rohan is my more free spirited part. I can talk about anything with Rohan and genuinely feel free to have a temper, or be sarcastic or for us to exchange a volley of insults and then move on. I don’t feel like I am on eggshells as I did with Mike, where I was always wary that if I did something wrong, he would toss me out. Which I did and he did. I was always wary that I tamp down my nomadic nature / freewheeling through activities and life nature as I was trying to be mature with uni and work and build a solid foundation here before I moved overseas. But I’ve always felt such a pull elsewhere that I’ve never been able to truly try 100% here so time wasted to no avail. But it’s still part of me, that wanting to break free. I feel someone like Rohan would get that I don’t want a 9-5, come home, have dinner, discuss the day relationship. That I might randomly text from a different country one day, or suddenly change career paths, or decide to go wandering around ashrams in India or walking with monks in Nepal by myself just because. I think someone like Rohan would get that I have a fluid personality and I don’t fit into a particular box. I just am when I am and that’s it.
But Mike….when I spent the recent time with Rohan, I was ecstatic to be with Rohan, but I felt a sadness. For the messages Rohan sent me that he didn’t want to spend time with me unless we were having sex, that I was just sex to him, that we had an awkward chemistry and he would never be with me, that he wanted to play no role in my life, that he would be open to dating a girl that had slept with 300 guys – but somehow in his eyes my choices in life are such that they’re not acceptable. I missed Mike’s adoration of me, his telling me I was more, his kisses, his touch, how we wanted to be together, a future together. And I will never, ever have that with Rohan. The part of me that can adore openly, that is gentle with someone, that happiness, lightness, being able to be in love and show it, and do everything I can for the other person’s happiness. I like that part of me. I don’t want to be sarcastic or feel guarded or feel like I am being insulted subtly all the time. But I guess I do want to feel that I can be human and make mistakes. I was put on a pedestal by Mike and then when I put a step wrong, it’s as if I was damaged in his eyes.
I am glad for this time with Rohan because it finally made me appreciate Mike wholly and how much I want that connection again. I don’t want a one sided affair. I don’t want to sit and hope someone may change their mind about me. Rohan never will. I am happy to see him in NYC and for once, I will accept something for what it is. Maybe because for once, what something is, is all I want it to be. I want to be bad with Rohan. But it feels good and I don’t feel my usual moral sensibilities kick in because I do care about Rohan very much. So I can misbehave with someone in a safe, caring way and I like that a lot.
I am also glad for this time with Rohan, because I am starting to wake up from my year long slumber and starting to feel my spark again. It makes me appreciate Rohan wholly and how good he’s been to me when no one else could be with everything I put him through. Dan was but Dan and I dated for five years. My friends have tried and my family have tried but for someone that had no reason whatsoever to try, he always did and has always been (deep down) kind to me.
I love them both in my own way. Rohan I just love. I think Rohan could be whoever he wanted and turn out to be 1000 different versions of himself and by now, I just really love him for his caring soul and kind heart and I would be delighted to know him at any time. Mike, I am so in love with. Still. Forever. But I want an unconditional love and his was conditional with me. I wasn’t allowed to be a person with thoughts or feelings of my own, I just had to be what he wanted and I don’t want that anymore. Even though I miss what we had.
In all of this, I guess my main point which I deviated from when I started this, is that in life I am beginning to see I am coming back to my balance. Surprisingly I retained friendships more when I was on my extremes – my cold hearted, mean stage or my emotional, overthinking stage. It’s like friends were able to see past my bad behaviours at those stages because they could put it on me – oh Donna is being mean, Donna is being emotional, I can forgive her. But when I am being reasoned and rational, it’s as if they realise I am saying no, you’re doing something wrong too and they’re getting highly fraught with me. And another friendship after another friendship bites the dust.
The thing with Paris made me remember life is not meant for this. It’s not meant for to’ing and fro’ing and wasting energies on those who don’t want to work with you. There are more important things in this world. And if I lose every friendship, so be it. But if I can do something in this world to better it, when I leave this world, be it tomorrow or 50 years, I want to be able to leave it knowing I did something to try and help others. I wanted that to be how much I cared for friends and family and the person I was in love with, and that would have been achievement enough for me, but it’s never enough what I do re them so maybe I just need to focus elsewhere for a time. So many people suffer, and I just need to stop being one of them. I am lucky and have everything and I want to help others to have more also.
I have been really grateful for Rohan over the years but none so much as recently. His kindness with my emails and willingness to overlook has helped me immeasurably in not feeling so bad about my emails to Mike. Not everyone holds on the way Mike does or refuses to consider anyone else’s perspective as obstinately as Mike and Rohan’s willingness to forgive and forget has lifted a weight off my shoulders considerably. I’ve been feeling so heavy from feeling like I’ve irreparably damaged how everyone thinks about me this year.
i know I never really showed Rohan anything but the worst of me and I probably will always feel a bit guilty about that. I surprisingly didn’t send him one of my usual 1000 page texts declaring how much I adore him / am grateful so maybe that’s a positive thing I am showing for a change!
But this whole year, I haven’t been able to consider someone’s hands on me if that person wasn’t mike. If it had been anyone else but Rohan I would have said no. I think part of why I refused to do anything to look / feel good this year was because I felt guilty to want to try and be with anyone but Mike. But for Rohan…
It couldn’t have been a more perfect person and it helped me to finally cross that bridge to acceptance that it’s over with Mike. And now who knows?
I spent all my time with Mike wishing he had the same interests as me. That he would have the same openness to life as others, the same ability to put things behind him and not line things up in his mind like all my acts are being filed in a good or bad column. I worried for our compatibility. And I held back from admitting to myself how much I was in love with him because I couldn’t see a future with someone I thought was so secure. I am so free spirited and impulsive (though it doesn’t seem it) that I worried for his ability to maintain interest in me. People that are steadfast typically shy away from those whom are not.
But if I am honest with myself. I miss him. So much. I miss the way he called me princess or sweet cheeks or even how he annoyingly called me juicy tits when he felt like being cheeky or when I annoyed him and he didn’t want to be sweet haha. I miss how he used to tell me it wasn’t just sex between us. I miss how he told me I was beautiful whereas others call me hot. I miss how he wanted me close to him when he was sick and I would kiss his forehead. Or we would rub noses before we went out. I miss holding his hand. I miss laying my head down on his chest when we woke up. On planes. I miss how I would see his messages every day. I miss how we discussed a future together. I miss being more to someone.
I miss the way his face would look at me indulgently when I would come out with my usual left field comments or he would interrupt my rambling with kisses just to get me to stop but to also show me he adored me.
I miss how he woke up and kissed down my spine.
I thought I wanted communication above all else. That I would rather someone who treated me not well because I craved communication so badly. Words are my profession. I haven’t understood the subtlety of speaking without speaking until now. He told me he cared about me outright. He told me he was fearful outright. But how much he cared and how fearful he was, he communicated in different ways.
I feel ready to let go now and last week was wonderful and a start to that. Well the end was wonderful. The start was one of the most dramatic weeks I’ve had for a long time. I know I’ll never get him back. But I want what I found with him. I don’t want non stop casual encounters. I don’t want biding my time, biting my tongue arrangements where you feel like you and the other person are playing a game of who can be most nonchalant. I want to be all in. I want what I had with Mike.
I have not written in this blog for months but I keep sending raging emails to Mike for the last few days – I don’t even know why. Maybe writing here will help. Something has to apart from my coming undone. Again.
I have said the same things repeatedly the entire year and nothing will change what happened. Whether I have tried to be reasonable, loving, sad, upset, hurt, angry – nothing changes his unwillingness to engage in a conversation that addresses why I have been so shattered this year. He is the sweetest, most beautiful, caring person and I know how genuine he is. I KNEW all the reasons he couldn’t get into a conversation and I just got so angry because it was so important to me to leave things well for once. I didn’t need a conversation. I didn’t need a relationship. I didn’t need anything. I just wanted honesty. For once. For someone to consider how unfair it is to ask me to be in limbo when they know I want more. Well actually usually I don’t want more, but for someone to be honest about it. For the others, it was different. They wanted sex and I wanted an excuse to get out, so I would hope they would tell me they didn’t want a relationship so I could say no sex for you, bail. Why I dated men I didn’t even like I am not sure. But they never said it outright and I would have to admit I was being cowardly and then I would have to tell them, no deal anyway bail. With Mike, I didn’t need anything. But I wanted everything.
I know it was because he cared about me that he didn’t want to let go. But I am still heartbroken and confused and yes, angry that he couldn’t have tried to be more fair and let it go or give it pause until he could discuss things. It just felt like he knew what he could offer wasn’t enough for me and no amount of time in the near future would change his answer but if he said it, he knew I would leave so he said nothing and kept trying to keep things going sans conversation. The more I was insistent we either talk or leave it, the more he began withdrawing and starting to view me differently.
Story of my life. i am never allowed to have a voice because I am difficult and people don’t like me because I am not supposed to have conversations. I am supposed to play pretend like everyone else. I refuse to play along but it costs me every single time. I don’t even know how to be anymore. I am never allowed to be angry or upset or hurt because whoever shows emotion is dramatic apparently. I would rather be emotional and dramatic than to play games with people’s hearts and feelings. I say that while having admitted to dating men I don’t like. I’ll work on that one.
I am so over being this shadow of a person though. My childhood was a wreck. Looking back I don’t even know how I coped. I just escaped inside myself and pretended my childhood wasn’t happening and I was lucky to have siblings to spread the pain of my existence with I guess. My sister is sending me messages now about how much my parents suck which yeah, they kinda really did while we were growing up. But at the same time, we all keep in each other’s lives and help one another. Family ties are hard to break and as I get older, I realise how very very hard my parents had it and how selfish we were not to see or appreciate. I guess it was hard for us to when their parenting was so difficult, all we felt was anger and hatred and not empathy or compassion.
I love my parents. I do. I never thought I would forgive them for some things. And I know one day I will have to admit to someone if they want to have kids why I do not want my parents near them. And I have avoided that. So maybe like with all things, I find ways to get out of having to deal with the difficult issues.
I have never really known if I want kids as a result of how traumatic my upbringing was. I guess it’s in the “if I ever meet someone and they want kids” basket. The way things are going, it won’t be a problem.
Just everything though. Dan. Uni. I somehow coped through my childhood and high school by playing escape in my mind – I read a lot to hide in other worlds and that’s probably the only reason I achieved good grades. But then by the time Dan and I ended and uni had begun, nothing proved an escape. I was lucky with my friends and workplaces. I was SO lucky. Without them, I really would have jumped off a bridge, I think. I learnt how to be happy and make friends and how to gain confidence to date …eventually, and I started doing things I had always wanted to and to learn who I was as a person away from Dan. But I also started to become more aware and that awareness let out my anxieties. I wasn’t a child anymore. I couldn’t deny that I would start needing to make life choices for myself. Except I did and caused myself to fail uni constantly, refuse to date men that were emotionally available, or if they were, again, would pick the ones I didn’t like, didn’t manage my finances at all, broke down every which way at work. But even then I admired myself a lot more than I do now. I was so young at 21 piecing my life back, and I stuck it out and got my degrees, and worked hard to transition to getting a job in law and working my way up to now an Executive Lawyer. Still pinching myself at that one.
I travelled extensively, moved out (though that was disastrous), made more exceptional friends. I did things with high intensity or extreme depression / anxiety but I lived life and felt it and tried to improve on who I was as a person post Dan. Dan was so formative to my life, it feels like BD and P(TS)D.
I met Rohan finally. Who must think I am the most insane person he’s ever met. I wince thinking about how many messages I’ve sent him this year too. He didn’t deserve that over 5 years. I am not even sure why he talked to me over all these years. It’s completely crazy but I guess how well he communicates with me and how understanding and how nice he has been with me, has been so craved by me, that I have clung onto it unfairly and it’s time to let poor Rohan go. He deserves better.
Jeremy – I yelled for pages over him responding 1 hour late to a text and he ended things naturally. I didn’t get to explain what was really behind that – all the times he made me wait and how inconsiderate he was about it, including telling me too bad basically. People get overwhelmed by my explanations and in that way, I wait until it’s so built up because I am fearful of how closely I look at things, that I do exactly what I fear and blow up about so much no one can understand or handle it.
Mike. The first person I have considered wanting to marry and have children with. Even with Dan, I kept thinking I keep asking him to propose but I don’t want him to. With Mike, I wanted it. I wanted him. He brought up marriage a couple of times and I was elated. I just was unsure about so many things but to do with my insecurities. I didn’t know how to broach them and the more he refused to let me explain things without making me feel like I was overwhelming him, the more and more upset I have gotten. Now I will never know as he will never speak to me again or if he does, it will be his usual monotone way. Hope you’re ok. Hope you feel better rubbish.
I don’t know what to do re my life anymore. I am tired of arguing. With family, with friends, with guys. I have aged so much this year, I don’t even recognise how I look in the mirror and am seeing white hairs from extreme stress. I want to be happy. I want to be my happy self that I worked so hard to achieve and I don’t want to fight anymore. But I guess it starts with me first and how I firstly view things, then how I bring things up and how I respond to answers so people feel comfortable to talk to me and not like I will send them messages for months or in Rohan’s case, and Dan’s case, years on end, about the same things.
I don’t know if I will ever change or rather let myself be the best version of me without shying away, now that this thing with Mike happened. Through everything, pre – Mike, I kept an excitement for life, an enthusiasm to help others, to travel, to try new things etc. Post – Mike, I feel hollow.
So I guess time to change what it’s in my life and see whether I can recapture my happiness but if not, and if this is how dead I feel for the rest of my life, at least I can try my best to help others and be a good aunt, friend, sister, daughter and try my best to alleviate others’ suffering. It’s just one life.